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I was walking home the other night, down 28th street to lex. If your a New Yorker you would know that this just happens to be where all the "50 dollar blow job in your car" female hookers work. Anyways, i walk past these sluts on a regular basis, and as oversexed and worn out as there pussies might be, they always cat call as i walk by. But this time was different. One of the regular blonds stopped...

In 1984, George Orwell showed us his vision of the future. A lot of this was achieved by the chief protagonist, the oxymoronically named Winston Smith, going through the motions of his life. But given that a major aspect of Orwell's dystopian future was the ignorance of outer-party members like Smith, we'd have only gotten so far with Smith alone. In order for Orwell to reveal more, it was necessary...

It was an appearance of John Hurt on television that set me off. There he was in my head as Winston Smith. And next to him was Richard Burton as O'Brien. Spooky casting.I've read the book and seen the movie three times each I'm pretty sure. But not lately. What with my understanding of the world being in a constant state of flux (particularly lately with events steaming in the vertical part of an...

I look after my father who has cancer, amongst various other things. His physical ailments are one thing, him losing his mind is another. My life has officially become a tough gig. I wondered if this madness might not be a metaphor? The speed of his descent into incoherency has been something to behold. Same-same, the world. Or is that too simplistic? And really, the world was always thus. Even the...

Be cool! Drink up Kiddi...

I'm in amongst a collection of tedious family issues at the moment and subsequently don't have so much time. In the middle of last night's sibling argument about what's happening in the stockmarket, I found myself restating things I wrote a while back that never saw the light of day here. I rejected it for reasons I can't now recall. Anyway I went back and read it and thought it was pretty good. I...

http://gawker.com/5049924/the-porn-star-at-the-dominican-...

I feel used. I feel maniuplated. I feel walked on. You know, after all is said and done, i have once again been made out to be the idiot and everyone could see it but me. I let love blind me, and then cripple me after it stabbed me in the back. I spent so much time letting you tear me down, making me feel worthless, making me feel like i was beaneath you. I was so stupid. I'm so happy now that i have...

Just yesterday a friend of mine was arrested for possession of marijuana - one ounce. Fingers crossed she gets off lightly. In the meantime my head was filled with mad, windmill-tilting thoughts. Perhaps this is best viewed as comedy, or if you'd rather, as proof that smoking marijuana renders one imbecilic.Your Worship,May I have a few minutes of the court's time to express an acknowledgement of...

It's easy being a social darwinist. The strong destroy the weak. Confirmation for this is found throughout nature. The most successful creatures are the bloodiest. The kings of the animal world are those at the top of the food chain, which is to say the predators. How we admire them! They are the most perfect examples of the undeniable proof of Darwin's dictum about 'survival of the fittest'. It is...

The blog is a double edge sword. As much as this blog has been a release for me it has also given to many people, to much insight into my personal world. You know it hard enough trying to start new relationships being a pornstar but I'm finding it even harder to do with a blog out there discussing what a fucking mess i am. I'm sure its hard enough for guys to see past the fact i do porn, and then...

Oh man, it was just too beautiful.But first an explanation. Regulars like Kikz and Tony know this story, but newer arrivals might be somewhat unfamiliar. This blog was not so long ago plagued by a one-note racist arsehole called Apollonian. He would endlessly urge us to embrace racism and 'Jew expulsion', whatever that is. He had two 'either/or' modes - sycophancy or character assassination. Me, I...

So i have come to a point in my life of just pure confusion. I pace back and forth in my apartment. Waiting. Only to realize I'm lost. No one is coming and there is nowhere to go. I sit down and and try to figure it all out and i can't. I'm lost. I'm lost with in my friends, I'm lost within my own family and I'm jut lost within my own head. Like this morning i wake up fighting demons. Calling every...