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A had another nightmare...Not sure if you can call it a nightmare, more like an imagine that kept play through my head that i just didn't wanna see anymore. I was My ex, sitting on our couch, staring at me with the with this puppy dog face he would do that would melt my heart. The kinda face that would win you over regardless of the situation. The same face that began to fade away as we got more and...

So my Twin Brother calls me this morning at 7 in the morning to tell me some fucked up news. I'm not gonna go into details because thats his life and i dont wanna make his life public, but he is looking to get out of his current situation because it was honestly a mirror image of the situation i was in with my ex. Anyways, i think the best thing for him is to move in with me. He currently is car-less...

Last night was a mess, today i feel like a mess....I once again am trying my best to suffocate all my misery in doing drugs. Last night i went out with the intentions of having a good time. Quicker than i could walk to the back of the club, the night was a distater and i am the only one to blame. Kinda. I hate drinking now so i have found relief of my social anxiety by doing alot of GHB. To make a...

Well i just finished a long day....Today, i had 2 photoshoots back to back. The first was for woman's couture by the designer Carmen Marc Valvo and the next was for Loehmanns spring cataloge. We started shooting this morning at 9 and ended at about 815 tonight. As pussy as it sounds i had had a tooth ache for about 3 days now and last night it was so bad i couldnt sleep. I almost canceled both shoots...

Its good to be home! Is it really?So i'm back in NYC and this was one of the first time in a long time, that i wanted to stay away. I'm not exactly sure i wanted to stay in the homeless shelter that make up San Fran but i'm posative i didnt want to come back here. Anyways, thank god for my friend Joe getting me work to keep myself focused at the gym instead of just letting myself slip away more than...

"More"At first I wanted you to fuck meThen i became greedyI wanted you to love meSo I asked for more. ~ Tracey E...

I lost... again. Apprently each year i do porn i'm just good enough to be nominnated but not great enough to win myself an award. O and 9 now. I'm not surprised. I did alot better holding in my extreme fustration in losing this year, so i do give myself some credit. Yes i am a sore loser, but i just whored it up and drank away the feelings. Should have gone as far as getting blowjob right there in...

I'm here in San Fran for the Gayvn porn awards that will take place later tonight. I'm prepared to lose the 2 awards that i'm up for. i am here just desperatly trying to have a good time with people i do honestly enjoy being around. But I can help to feel locked into "Erik Rhodes mode", the happy go lucky party guy that is smiling on the outside but dying on the inside. Always stalking the crowd for...

I'm so tired of this. I have been trying so hard to walk thru life like everyone else, trying to find some significance in my meanless routine, but its just not working.... But was it ever really working or was having a boyfriend just enough of a band-aid to make me think everything was okay? As miserable and fake as my relationship was, i kinda wish i was still lost in that made up world. Being...

I have a good buddy Miklos who's from Hungary. He's Jewish and has a star of David around his neck. And there we were, Miklos, another buddy Chris, and me down at the pub having a beer. And Miklos is telling us how Israel knocked back his application for citizenship and that's why he's in Oz. In Hungary after WWII his grandmother converted to Catholicism and he was raised Catholic. He had no idea...

The main thing to remember with anything that goes on in East Timor, is that Australia are always the good guys. We are there to do good and help the Timorese. How could we not want to help the poorest nation on earth?It's a pity East Timor missed out on those spectacular gas resources just offshore. It was nearly theirs but an imaginative Australian maritime border meant that it was actually ours....

My birthday night...So i 'm 26 now and let me start this blog off with a bit of happiness for once. My birthday was amazing. I started the night by attending Marc Jacobs fashion show and sitting in the front row with my date, Jason Preston. The show was breath taking, beside Marc's fall collection being absolutley beautiful, Sonic Youth performed as the models walked the runway. When the show was...

Here in Oz, we're thick in a discussion about saying sorry to Aborigines. I shall confuse things initially by declaring that white people saying sorry to Aborigines is bullshit. Don't wig out yet, just keep reading. 'Sorry' is what you say when you bump into someone. For obvious, simple and accidental events such as this, one word will suffice. The saying of it implicitly acknowledges three things:...

Dear Mr. Rudd,With interest rates going up and further rises forecast, the Reserve Bank certainly seems to be in the news recently. We witness discussion after discussion circling the topic but we never quite get to the centre of it. I'm wondering if I might ask you to clear some things up for me.In your campaign commercials you brought up the topic of the Reserve. You swore to uphold its independence....

MeI'm a complete idiot. I usedn't to be. I used to be a model citizen. I was a cog in the advertising machine. I had an apartment, a motorcycle, a regular life. I had internet banking, credit cards, driver's license, insurance, power, gas and phone bills. I paid tax. But I never seemed to have any money for some reason. My apartment was not flash and my clothes were cheap. God knows where the money...

There was a fellow who said that if the lie is big enough, people will refuse to deny it. In this he was absolutely right. As the size of the lie approaches a near infinite totality we are no longer forced to merely deny that 2+2=5. Any dimwit can do that. We are forced to deny 2+2=5, and 2⁹⁹+2⁹⁹=5⁹⁹, and everything in between. And beyond. Who the fuck can do that? The size, complexity and number...