Desperate times are not over now...

A had another nightmare...


Not sure if you can call it a nightmare, more like an imagine that kept play through my head that i just didn't wanna see anymore. I was My ex, sitting on our couch, staring at me with the with this puppy dog face he would do that would melt my heart. The kinda face that would win you over regardless of the situation. The same face that began to fade away as we got more and more used to each other. Either way it was a face to let me know everything was alright. I woke up upset and unable to go back to sleep because i don't have that face anymore. Its not like i wanna get back with him, but I'm restless for that comfort again.
I think the reason for this dream came from all the references i made about my ex in a conversation i had with my brother about why he should not forgive his Gf and leave that miserable relationship behind. My brother is having second thoughts about leaving his Fiance. I think mostly because he is not ready to make a change. He can't picture himself without her and regardless of how possessive and controlling she was to him, staying with her is better than being alone. I still have those feelings myself and i do anything i can to not be alone. Shit, i fucking go to the movies all the time by myself, just so that i can have people around me. Its still pretty lonely but at least I'm not alone. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but it has been working. That and non stop compulsive shopping.
Anyways, i had mentioned my brother and I are the same person, well this just proves it. I was the same way. But he's gonna have to figure out on his own, that getting back together might feel good cuz he wont be alone but its not gonna fix the overall problem. I can only provide support at this point.

moving on...

I head over to LA this weekend to film what will hopefully be one of my last movies in the porn industry. I'm excited to get away from New York for awhile, but hate the fact that my whole time will be centered around making this movie. Since i will be the main star of the movie i will be filming 3 scenes and then directing the sex of 4th scene. Crazy. For once i think it will be to much sex for me. I totally predict me throwing acouple "porn star diva fits". As i call them after watching my best porn star buddy Matthew Rush throw a few over the course of our relationship with falcon. I love him, but when he gets pissed, oh boy does the diva ever come out. LOVE YA matty!


My nerves have been getting the best of me again and i have to head back to see a doctor today. I'm sure the visit will end with a couple scripts to help validate my sorrow. So that makes me happy for now at least.


Quote for this blog:

"So say goodbye to love, and hold your head up high.
There is no need to rush because we are all just waiting, waiting to die." ~Dallas Green