sexiest woman room

This has happened before and i caved in...


On the cab ride home from JFK, it started. I got my first text from a friend which read "Hey, I got some T, I wanna see you and party". It was disregarded. The next message from another friend came at 10 o'clock the next morning saying basically the same thing. God knows if the texted came at 10 in the morning that this persons binge started at least the night before and he was still going strong the next day looking for more people to fuck and drag down with him. This one was alittle harder to turn down. I stopped and thought to myself, "i don't have anything coming up for a little while, maybe i can just go crazy for a little bit. I mean cuz that's exactly what happens, i go out of control. There was this one time, were i was shooting up so much crystal that i had no control of my arms and legs, they were basically just shaking out of control and i couldn't stop them, so i asked, what at the time i would consider a friends to help hold my arm down and have the another friend shoot me up, just so that i could push my high as far as it would go. Its pretty scary to think, friends would even help me try to kill yourself like i was so indirectly trying to do. But they were pretty high also. So its not there fault. To be honest, they weren't even friends, i couldnt tell you one name. They were Just people to get high with that become friends out of drug use. By the end of that binge i was so gone that i was terrified to even walk in the street because i couldn't tell what cabs were real and what i was just making up in my head. My halluciations were unbelievable and are still embeded on my brain. I always look back on that binge and this other binge that landed me in the hospital as the reason why i shouldn't give in. I was a fucking mess. I don't wanna let myself get to that level ever again.
Anyways, The guy from the second text admitted to me that he has had a crush on me and with all his failed attempts to be with me he figured some hot crystal sex would help get my attention. Well, i refuse to continue getting high and confusing it for love. Its funny because i talked about this same person in an earlier blog saying "this is the type of person i need to be around". Jesus. Same old fucking broken rollercoaster, just won't let me the fuck off.
Anyways, the third, semi-friend contacted me yesterday. This one was a porn star i hadn't talked to in awhile, but while i knew him, my nickname for him was "retard". He said he really needed to talk to me cuz he knew i could help him and wouldn't judge him. Well how fucking wrong he was. He claimed that he had just started using Crystal only acouple months ago and had already been to rehab for it. But since he was off crystal he developed A.D.H.D. and he said it was making him miserable. He said " Erik please, for a better way of life, i need to get crystal, and i need your help".
The first thing i thought was of course a retard would claim crystal would give him a better life. But then i thought of all the people who have posted on this blog and said to him what i think reader would tell me to tell him, i said, "The best help i can give you is, to urge you to go buy a gun and blow your brains out now, before you get any worse" That was the end of the conversation.
I just can't seem to get over that fact that drugs are all around me. Whether in LA or here in NYC. More and more of my once friends are turning into junkies. Not just junkies but junkies with HIV. Its pretty goddamn scary. But i think to myself, how the fuck have i gotten so lucky? My drug stories can put anything you can ever think of to shame and I'm still okay.
At the moment, i have refocused my insanity toward other things and its been working. You know, as awful as my over thinking is at times, it honestly has helped me to. These other guys who get wrapped up in drugs don't have crazy obsessions to help dig themselves out of there holes. So, you know what, Thank you crazy brain. Thank you for being crazy. So far you have kept me alive.

www.joeoppedisano.com

Its time to refocus myself.

Well i don't think i have hit rock bottom, but i can see that is the way i was going and I'm gonna put the brake on now. Coming back from the Toxic world that is LA, i am filled with the over whelming urge to make a change in my life. And not just a small change like no more drugs and meaningless sex... but i am going to start eating healthy and refocus my life into my body. Make it my new obsession. I'm tired of sex being my obsession. I swear LA was great in a bad way of making me realize after all the sex that i had that i was just bored. New big dick, same old positions, no emotions. When your already thinking of the next guy coming over while the one guy is still in the middle of fucking you, there is a problem. I want emotions and passion. Yes i am a total size queen and that will more than likely never change, but i want the next big dick that fucks me to love me, and maybe not love me, but at least be into me enough that its not just the same old thing.

My last night in LA was pretty interesting and opened me up to some new ideas that i think i might now be able to handle. I went out again with "the revenge date". First let me just say that for a 33 year old he was dressed so amazing, like this Little skater boy, it was adorable. Anyways over the course of the night, he took to much XTC and i had to sit there with him and take care of him. I don't know, but it was a change having to take care of someone versus someone take care of me. I liked it. I liked that he could let loose and not care, i liked that he let me take care of him. It was weird, cuz even thou i knew he is a total player, i said maybe this is they type of guy i should be with and not care about being open to liking other guys, Not like an open relationship, but a relationship without jealousies over dumb shit. Everyone looks, even if they say they don't' they do, i know i do, so why should i get pissed when you do. Maybe i just need to look at the fact that I'm not perfect and find someone that isn't perfect also. I' don't know its just a thought. But Shaun , if you read this, thanks so much for the good time. You were breathe of fresh air for me.

By the end of the night i did so much coke, G and painkillers mixed up with Old English 40's that i was puking all over the place. I disappeared from everyone and went back to my hotel and passed out. When i woke up, it was the start of a new beginning. I said i cant do this anymore. I don't wanna be this person. I want a clear head. I want to be happy. Maybe if i make a huge change maybe it will be what i have been looking for. Maybe I'll just get more depressed. I guess we'll have to find out.

I can take much more of LA.


I have been here over a week and i'm just over it. I have had way to much sex and i have done to much drugs to wanna be here anymore. I have had my fill and now its time to go home. I woke up this morning, well i'm not sure if i woke up or just opened my eyes after laying in bed for a couple hours hoping to fall asleep, but i the overwheleming feeling to just pack up and leave like i have over stayed my welcome. I mean tonight is my last night, but i am not in the mood to go out anymore and for once in a longtime am not in the mood to have sex, so with no urge for sex what is the point of going out? just to be around gay men, no thanks! Seriously, my dick is raw and my ass is beat the fuck up, oh, who know after i get a couple drinks in my my feeling might change.
Another reason its time to leave LA is my hotel is a fucking dump and i really dont wanna be in this piece of shit much longer than i have to. It's honestly one step away from being a bathhouse. There is dried cum all over the curtains and there is a sign on the door urging guests to make sure they lock the door before they go to sleep. Why you ask? Because you just might end up with a queer in your bed that you were not expecting. It was pretty unbelieveable that about 20 mins after checking in here, i had a knock at my door from some 18 year old kid asking me if i was looking for company? Of course, i said No.... well no at first. I got something to eat and when i came back the kid was still floating around the hotel so i took him up on his offer and used his mouth as my own personal fuck hole. I just can't help to think anyone that hangs around these seedy places, is looking to be treated like a piece of shit. Cuz i mean that how i treated him and he seemed like he couldnt be happier. Well, i was also in a rush because i had my date and i needed to get ready. So i pumped and dumped his face and quickly got ready cuz my dates was going to be picking me up soon.

I'm not sure if you could call it a date as much as you can call it revenge. Revenge on my current Ex. Jesus, victory tastes so fucking sweet. Oh yeah, people were used and the date was one of the best jobs i have ever done acting. But it played out exactly how i wanted. To be 100 percent serious, going on this revenge date was the only reason i extended my trip. I wish i could go into more detail, cuz the details will only make my thrill that much more intense, but i'm a sucker and i actually like the guy i went on the date with. Not as a Bf kinda way cuz the guy is a total player, but he seemed like good people and i dont want my craziness to effect a possible friendship. You know, i have done my best at getting over my ex and i still do find myself getting upset over things i shouldnt be anymore, but this was one of the things that kept playing in my head over and over after we broke up. I was obcessing over it. But thanks to my utter insanity toward this obcession, it will not be an issue anymore. This was kinda like therepy for a crazy person. Its nice to know that i win. i win. i win. i win.

Well the movie is over...

First off let me just say that i am dissapointed with Falcon and not checking over its models before they get the okay to work. (Without giving names) I had to work with a model i can only refer to as "stink dick" who's pics in the casting book seemed very promising. Well "stink dick" was nothing like what his pics offered. Kinda like a bad hook up off Manhunt (which i'm only using as a refernece and i dont have) he had shark teeth and one of the smallest ugliest and worst smelling dicks i hve ever come into contact with in my whole career in porn. Besides that he had one of those, "i just got to know you and i think we are best friends" personalities that i can barely stand to be around for about 10 mins before i start picturing ways of brutally killing you in my head.
But being a professional that i am, i just went along for the disgusting ride as long as i could before i felt like i was going to throw up. I did my best to give him a phantom blowjob during the oral part of the scene, but when the diretor started talking about rimming his ass i put my fucking foot down. I took the director aside and told him about the stink coming off this dudes cut 4 inch killer and said "Listen, if he has bad hygene in the front, you for goddamn sure know he is clueless about the backside. I will not go anywhere near it." I got my way.
Thankfully, the scene was a three way and there was a great big black dick there to have me occupy the rest of my time in the scene with. "Stink Dick" basiclly played the backround for the rest of the scene while me and the other model enjoyed each other.
But i guess the joke is on me and the other model, cuz "stink dick" still got paid. Maybe thats what i should do next movie. Just show up gross enough to make other models sick enough to throw up and still get paid at the end of the day. Maybe "Stink Dick" found a way to beat the system. HHHHHMMMMMMMMMM, joke is really on me.

Moving on....

I'm now free in LA to go crazy. I really could have really used a drink after working with "Stink Dick" but i had another scene the very next day so i had to be good. Tonight i will be going fucking nuts and each drink i will cheers to complete strangers will be deticated to that ugly penis.
But off the topic of ugly dick, I kinda like being in LA: the state with no soul. This is the land of make believe, where everyone can pretend to be much more important than the really are. And the everyone else.... a bunch of hopefull others with so many stars in there eyes that they are blinded to see that its just not gonna happen the way they imagined in there dreams. This is place is filled with so many miserable and dylusional people that i feel right at home. Except that in New York, i dont waste 15 percent of my life sitting in traffic. Its just nice to know that when i go out tonight, i can be fake as shit and know that anyone i am talking to is being just as fake as me. I dont have to feel bad about anything.
It remind me of this one time, i was here in LA and i hooked up with this guy. Kinda. I brought him back to my hotel and i passed out on him. I guess about an hour later i woke up and he was in the middle of fucking me. I was to trashed to care and just went right back to sleep. When i woke up that morning, i basically thought it was all a dream until, i found a note from him saying what a great time he had and hoped we could do it again sometime. No one cares here in LA, its just a souless creature that is always just looking for the perfect oppertunity. I could never live like these people, but at the same time it will be fun to not care for awhile.

Moving on....

I am starting to think my brother is crazy. Maybe not crazy but fucking brainwashed. He has been preaching to me about positive thinking. He has thrown a couple movies in my face that he is urging me to watch. One called "What the Bleep do we know" and the other being "The Secret". This is totally out of left field for my brother to be saying. But at the same time its something i think i should watch to help with my depression. He says it has totally helped him and i know he isn't just throwning bullshit at me since he is my best friend and brother. I am just very skeptical. Like very who talks to me says... "damn your glass of water is always half empty", in which my reply is "yes half empty and has a crack along the side that is leaking". I also can't help to think an Oprah book is not going to help me.

No need to fear. I am alive and well in the Northern capital of the Middle Kingdom, which is to say Beijing, China. The sky is blue, the food is good and the DVD's are a buck a throw. Around the Worker's Stadium Azure Magpies are building nests. And I have a lot of friends here, so it's good to be back. We go to Hohai and drink Yanjing beer for forty cents a bottle.


The internet has changed greatly since I first came here ten years ago. Currently it seems blogspot, wordpress and wikipedia are blocked (and Rense, curiously). However via an unblocked route I may post to, but not read, this blog. I can read the comments as they come in but not comment myself, ha ha.

And this is censorship, sure. But censorship is a funny thing. When done well censorship should more precisely be described as 'absence'. As ever, the absence of things is less noticeable than the presence of things. We all know what's absent in the Western media. Politically, there's no discussion beyond the agreed upon shadow play. Culturally there's almost nothing past a mad obsession with whatever is new and most worthless. Philosophically (not that the media likes that word) there's little other than an all-pervading, centrifugal individualism.

In attempting to discern the absences here, let's just say - China is intensely 'foreign'. It can overwhelm. Spotting the absences is both difficult and easy, ha ha. For the sake of simplicity, I’ll just focus on culture.


There is no Survivor or Big Brother here. There are no shows which pit individuals against each other in contrived trivial orgies of lying and cheating. There are no people voting each week for whom they hate the most. There are no dramas featuring serial killers who pretend to be normal. I have never seen sex or titillation on the TV here. Subsequently there is no Desperate Housewives or Dirt or anything even close. There are none of those tedious high-school snot-fests. Nor is there anything like Seinfeld here. Perhaps such depictions of worthless people spending their lives striving for, and arguing over nothing, strike the Chinese as idiotic. Who knows? Perhaps most crucially, the adulation of teenagers is completely absent.

But the results are easy to see, provided one can get past the shock of culture. On warmer evenings, people relax outdoors in an agreeable social fashion. Teenagers with unpretentious haircuts and clothes sit with the adults enjoying conversation. Once you twig to the fact that teenagers here do not have an attitude it's actually shocking. They do not argue with their parents. They do not go off to the mall and sulkily 'hang out'. They're far more likely to be whapping a shuttlecock around with their mother. No really! Flyovers and other places free of trees and powerlines are popular for kite-flying. In front of the Worker's Stadium every day I see people ballroom dancing, doing tai chi and other similar variations of the gentler martial arts. Tai chi is a martial art, you know. The main thing is that all of this can be summed up as ‘simple pleasures’. Chinese people broadly are not jaded. It's astounding how refreshing it is.


It's changing, of course. Kids here play computer games too. And every single thing produced by Hollywood (either for the big screen or small) is available here on pirate DVD. But they are viewed as foreign. The effect they have on the culture and the people are minimal. Chinese culture remains dominant. There is no chameleon-like sub-group here re-interpreting their culture for them. I’m entirely certain the government here exerts control to prevent shows such as this. Is this censorship? I expect so. But gee it's nice to see a culture that isn't driven by a perverse combination of angst and trivial self-obsession, that instead prizes family and harmony, and lacks snotty teenagers.

So i'm in LA filming.

I would have to say that I am having a great time. For most my porn career i have been tied down in relationships and being on set with a boyfriend at home was not always easy. This is the first time since i started porn that i have not had to worry about making phone calls and giving my bf the play by play of my daily schedule. It the first time that i can do whatever i want and not have to worry or feel bad about it. From hooking up with models to just hanging and getting some food with them, i can just relax and enjoy myself and its been great. The models that i been hanging out with not only have they been abnormally good looking but really fun guys that i would enjoy being around if we weren't here working. The funny thing is that so far the majority of them have been straight. (well kinda) I have always, always had, i'm not sure if you can call it a talent, but i have always been able to draw that straight guy to me and make him second guess his whole "just gay for pay" lifestyle. I'm not normally that type. I hate the whole straight boy, confused sexuality thing and it not something i look for like other fags i know.lol. ( love you james). But fuck it, if they are gonna throw me a bone, i'm gonna take it. After the movie is over, as nice as you are, you can go back to leading your confused life, its no skin off my back. Hey, but if i help show you that not all fags are straight up queens and can be butch and proud of taking it in the ass, well then kudos for me.
Anyways, this movie is 1/2 done and i still have 2 more scenes to do. So all these guys will be heading out tonight and then new ones will be coming in. Like i said in my last blog, i'm starting to think, this trip is gonna be to much sex. I also decided to stay in la a couple extra days to get some "me time", that normally consist of alot of sex also. I do have one date set up while i am out here and all i can say about that is.... oh man is it ever gonna be good in so many ways. I might, maybe, slightly possibley give details about it later, i just have to see how it plays out. I dont wanna jinx it just yet.

I would have to say that the meds i been taking are kinda working, at least since i got them and been out here, i havent been depressed at all. I haven't started drinking yet... so i guess we'll have to see how that goes....