sexiest woman room

Sorry to leave everyone hanging...


I just needed some time to collect my thoughts, and my blog needed a rest. To be completely honest i was alittle tired of this being the focus of my life. I am absolutely over the phone calls from people either cracking stupid jokes or the people trying to help. Please read the blog but seriously, don't invade my space. I am not a phone person to begin with, what makes you think that i wanna spend anymore time then i want to, to talk with a complete stranger about my feeling none the less? I don't wanna come off like i don't care about every ones concern when reading but please just leave a comment, trust me i read them all.

So this weekend could have gone really bad for me but thanks to focusing my energy into something positive the weekend has come and gone and i feel pretty damn good. Well, A whole hell of alot better than i would have if i attended either the Black Party or Algeria. I think was even supposed to "perform" at the black party. I turned down about 5 different people but i kept being told that the people at black party still had me listed as a performer. Well they can fucking suck it. All their cheap asses offered was a free ticket to basically have sex on stage. You have to be out of your fucking mind. Come on, even if i did lack common sense like most porn stars, my hooker skills would have kicked in and said "oh no, you need to get fucking paid" (and yes my hooker inner monologue speaks like an angry black woman). I was ultimately gonna just go, say i was gonna perform, get my free ticket and disappear into the crowd of shit, sweat and leather. Why the fuck not, i don't think i can make my name any worse in this industry or community than i already have, can I?
Well to make a long story short i choose not to go to spend time with my ex Danny. Even as friends he is keeping me grounded without even knowing it. I don't know if thrown into the enviorment of the those 2 party's if i would be strong enough to resist all the temptation around me. Yeah Danny and i just choose to sit around watching TV, cuddling most of the weekend. But all in all, that makes me feel so much better than any drugs or random hook ups could ever.
You know i have to give myself credit, because i slept over his place on Saturday night and when i woke up that morning, horny as fuck, with morning wood. Instead of pushing myself on him, i just got out of bed and went home. But i didn't stay home, cuz i knew if i sat home alone i would just get myself in trouble by having a trick come over, so i changed my cloths and took a walk to Union Square. The walk took my mind off things. Let me relax. You know, its helping me show myself that i willing put in the effort to make a relationship work with Danny again. Why? Because normally i would just run off and have sex and not care, but i know i have done enough damage between us already that i cant risk anymore fuck up over a brief loss of control. I wanna be in control of myself again. I wanna show him that I'm in control again.
Yes i have more issues than the next guy, but at least my out look is positive now. I am excited to make him proud by making myself into a better person.

It sucks but i am still fighting depression. Its become apprent that i have no control over it and really need to get more meds, becasue regardless of anything they were working for me. There was a couple times while hanging out with danny that i couldnt help having this sinking feeling. I did all i could to fight it and ultimately refocused my head so that i didnt let it control the good time i was having with danny. I also made sure he knew how i was feeling just so that my depression doesnt lead to fights or him thinking something is wrong. It would seem strange to readers since i am so open on here, but i have the hardest time expressing how i feel to loved ones. I supress everything until i blow up. I am really working on just being straight forward now. Open myself up to someone i love. He is worth it. He deserves it. Its just one of the many changes i need to make but it actually feels pretty good.

Where does the Jewish media tell me I should be directing my attention? Tibet, says they. Well, they would wouldn't they? Anywhere but Israel, AIPAC and central banking.


And in Tibet, the Chinese are villains. They invaded a country, occupied it for fifty years odd, encouraged the mass immigration of ethnic outsiders, and beat or shot any indigenes who complained. I'm not even going to bother commenting on the parallels. Regardless, the media has done a terrific job of making clear who's done what to whom in Tibet. They can do this if they choose to. But it's what they don't choose that counts.

And who knew what was not being chosen until the internet arrived? We can now compare what's chosen with what's not. The results are perfectly tangible. Is anyone confused about where the blame lies in Tibet? Are there any people out there thinking the Tibetans are terrorists? Are the Chinese given all the airtime they need to explain Tibetan villainy and Chinese victimhood? The media could do this if they wanted to do. They've done precisely that in Palestine for decades.

-For the record, the Chinese I talked to have variations of justifications. Before the Chinese arrived, Tibet was a very wicked place much given to serfdom. The Chinese dismiss ethnic questions - We're all ethnic minorities, they say. Beijing is full of people (like my friends) from Shandong, Xian, Hunan, etc, and they all speak a language that is not Mandarin and they all have their own distinctive cuisine and culture - just like the Tibetans. 'We're under this government, why shouldn't they be?'. This is self-serving, sure. The central government is Han and all of my friends are also Han. Tibet is not Han.


However, the media, if they chose to, could easily portray the Chinese as hard-done-by victims with the Tibetans as primitive, feudalistic, trouble-making untermenschen. It's easy enough. They need merely emulate their portrayal of the Palestinians under their spectacularly vicious ethnically alien occupier. The parallels with the Chinese in Tibet are spooky. But these comparisons will never be made. Not least because the Israelis blow the Chinese out of the water for racist brutality.

I'm way past pretending the media is the Pulitzer-hunting keep-the-bastards-honest truth machine they say they are. I also couldn't be shagged differentiating between print, television, and Hollywood. They all sing from the same song-sheet, they all follow the same narrative. The ability to imagine a narrative in a Hollywood flick is the same ability required to imagine the narrative we receive in the news. Cinema is to News what oils are to acrylics - a minor variation that the painter takes in his stride.

It's really simple. The central banks are the biggest game going. Bigger than the MIC, big oil, big pharma, agribusiness and every other industry - put together. The biggest most powerful single entity in the world receives zero coverage in the media. Think about that. And it was always this way. Wonder at Karl Marx completely breaking down capitalism and creating its opposition and never mentioning central banking - an impossibility. It's precisely as impossible as the utter absence of central banking in the media. The media (along with Marx) would have it that we view monetarism and central banking as an immutable law of nature, an Act Of God.

Best we look away. The media will direct us. Okay, so who would they have us believe the villains are? A five year old could spot it - movie after movie, drama after drama, news after news - those we must hate are: Arabs/Muslims, Russia, and China, in that order. Would I be right in thinking that the aforementioned three peoples are not subject to a central bank owned by the Rothschilds and their very good friends? It's a fair question.


Anyone who knows - feel free to fill me in. God knows we'll never find out in the media. Otherwise, as this same media screams that I direct my attention towards the Chinese, I grit my teeth and turn in the direction they bid me. And sure, I condemn those black-hearted Chinese villains. But then I turn back again. I'd rather keep my eye on the beast that bids me.

So this weekend was filled with so many mixed emotions, my head feels like its about to explode.
I spent the majority of this weekend with my ex Danny. We were celebrating his 25th birthday. But even with that in mind, Just like when we dated, we fought like cats and dogs. But most of the fighting was out of jealousies i think. I think we both intended for the other to sit on their ass and not try to reconnect with other men. I think we were both upset and pissed off at each when we did.
But i think when all was said and done, we finally met on some common ground. I'm starting to tear up as i write this but maybe the positive thinking worked. After i was done watching "The Secret" i wrote down a list of the things i wanted as the movie suggests to do. Having Danny back in my life was the number one thing on my list. Yes we are just trying to be friends now, but that alone is enough to make my miserable world alittle brighter.

Danny and i had a long talk last night about my multiple personalities and both agreed that its time that Erik Rhodes is going to have to take a back seat to who i really am. Its been over 4 years of hiding in the shadows of someone i never intended on becoming. I'm over it now. Someone had once said to me when they found out what my real name was that it ruined their whole fantasy, well if that is you, i suggest you stop reading now:

This was originally not for public consumption:

My name is James Elliott N.
I was born in 1-9-8-2, at Biosfet hospital, located in Long Island, NY
I am 6 foot, three I weigh 2-3-0 pounds
I have brown hair and brown eyes
I enjoy the gym, stealing music, movies and diner food
I have one brother, Jon, two sisters Danielle and Michelle
And two parents, Jim and Sue
In January of 2-0-0-8, I went crazy.

I have a lazy left eye
I snore
I am completely insecure
I am a long term relationship guy
I am a let down
But as of now i have goals and i am determined to achieve success and happiness in this lifetime.
I will always win.

I guess it is kind of funny when you look at it from a step back
How one man can literally buckle under the same pressures
Other men operate normally under
I have soaked this out from all angles, walking through time
I have been over everything in my head, still I can't think anymore
But I guess some times, when you can't breathe, there are people there
To breathe for you
I am lucky enough to have those people around me
Thank you for helping me to not die.

I mean what can i say except i was brainwashed last night.


So last night, I took an hour and a half out of my already seriously boring life to watch "The Secret". I went into it being very open minded in the hopes it could help me and i would have to say that when it was over i actually kinda started to tear up. I just thought to myself "i could do this". Yeah it feels kinda like joining a cult, but think about it, the people that join cults are the ones that have lost there own direction in life and are looking for answers anywhere they can get them, well goddamn it, that's pretty much me in a nutshell. So as stupid as it sounds, i have already started trying to apply it to my life.
I would have to say that its is pretty hard, at least for me being the most negative person i know. "The Secret" basically says you control your destiny through your thoughts. So if you think positively about anything, you can make a positive outcome for yourself. So in trying to apply this to my life, i try to think the positive way but automatically have trained my brain to say "what the fuck are you thinking, insert extremely negative outcome here: ______________________".
I'm sure its not an overnight thing and will it will take some work but shit, what else do i have, ya know. I think I'm going to watch it a couple more times also to help solidify my brainwashing. Who knows, you people might see a whole new person soon.

I guess i need to address something


I have been getting non-stop calls from friends saying "I heard that you have been threatening to kill yourself on your blog, are you alright?"

I am not trying to kill myself.

Yes i have been pretty fucking unhappy, but i am doing my best as of recently to dig myself out of this hole i have dug for myself. Its not going to happen overnight as much as i wish it would. The Glass has been half empty and leaking for a long time. So please bare with my depressing rants. The gun isnt even loaded yet. Its just sitting in the draw. Waiting..... for the day its all sunshine and rainbows. LOL.

I do admit that alot of my fustration with my life has been through bad choices. Porn being number one on my list. I find myself on a regular basis wishing i wasn't me or wishing i chose a differnet route in life. Unfortantley i'm stuck where i am, and just like my unhappiness, the ridiculous petty semi fame i have gotten from this industry will not disappear overnight. If anything it seems to get stronger by the day. In the begining of my career Chris Steele told me "Just Wait, and watch how popular you become" and at that moment it thrilled me. Now when i have fans come up to me and say "holy shit, are you Erik Rhodes" i say no. I say you must be mistaken and downplay it until they are confused or just think i'm a dick. I wish it would just go away. I wish people would want to know me for something i could be proud of and not because they enjoy seeing me get fucked in my ass. I have said it so many times, this industry has sucked the life out of me and i'm never gonna get it back. At one point i was proud of being a porn star, telling myself "this is what everyone wishes they could have done at least once in there life" now i sit an wish i blended in with the crowd. Have a simple life, be like everybody else. But instead of being able to age gracefully... i get to become as has-been. I'm thrilled with the depression that awaits me.

Okay enough with the depression. Brain stop over thinking.

I am doing my best starting now to get myself on my feet. I am trying my best at resisting drugs and alcohol. I am dieting and I have set goals for myself that i'll kill myself to accomplish. I am slowly getting to that better place, that solid ground, where the weight of being a porn star cannot drag me down. I am almost content. Not happy by any stretch of the imagination, but content, almost, and thats good enough for me.

I basically made it through this weekend alright.


So Friday came around and as much as i really wanted to go nuts, i choose to hold it in. I even went to a bunch of shitty New York bars, not even having one drink. I did however pop a couple painkillers, but then again that is far from the amount of shit i was doing the previous weekend. Baby steps. I even had temptation thrown in my face again and i was good about it. It was really weird. There was this really cracked out dude at this bar that kept buying me drinks which i kept turning around a giving to my friends since i wasn't drinking. The cracked out dude got pissed when he found out what i was doing and walked away from me pissed off. I thought "oh well". About 10 mins later he comes back to me a put a gram of crystal in my hand and leaves the bar. He was like fucking Satan. Tempt me with drink all night and then when he sees that I'm not biting he drops crystal on me and says "good luck, bitch" and walks away.
I kept it, or at least i thought i did. When i got home later that night and cleaned out my pockets. It was gone. Better off, cuz its the late nights when I'm home alone that i think i should be with my bf cuddling in bed that i lose all concept of whats good for me.
I couldn't sleep that night. It honestly felt like i was having a flashback of high school, when i had a bad coke problem and i would say up nights watching the sun slowly creep up outside and get pissed knowing that i still having slept and knowing that i was going to have to get up soon for school. Except this time, as i watched the sun come out, i just popped more sleeping pills to make that shit, fucking disappear. I honestly even got confused thinking maybe i did do drugs and i already forgot. Maybe it was that guy i was hooking up with that i knew was doing dumps of K in the bathroom that gave me shit. Maybe it was the fact that because of my new diet the redbull was effecting me differently. I guess i will never know. I woke up at 4pm the next day.
I was pretty upset the next day. More or less because i been doing so fucking good with my whole body obsession that i was pissed i had already missed 4 meals since it was 4pm. I also felt hungover as shit. I'm gonna chalk that one up to the sleeping pills.

moving on.

I would have to say that I'm pretty embarrassed and i didn't wanna admit this but i have been texting my current ex. I miss him. I feel like I'm in a position where I'm ready to give up porn and i think that since that was one of the big problems in our relationship that if i wasn't doing it anymore maybe we could go back to the way things were when we didn't fight. Maybe I'm just being dumb. I think because of this blog that he knows that I'm pretty messed up, even more than i let on when we were going out. I think he sees that now and really wants no part of me. Which i understand. (beside the fact that i feel like Michael Musto, who cant keep his fucking mouth shut about anything). What is that whole bullshit, "if you let something go and if it comes back to you, it was meant to be". I guess it wasn't meant to be as much at one point we told each other it was. He texted me that i should listen to a song by Ashanti called "The Way That I Love You" that it was the perfect song for our situation. My song back to him which i never had the balls to text him back would be by City and Colour called "As much as i ever could". The part that makes me cry like a bitch is at the end of the song... "No i am not where i belong, so shine a light and guide me back home".


moving on.



The Grabby Porn Awards are coming up and the Nominations are out.

BEST RIMMING SCENE
“THE IVY LEAGUE” (Erik Rhodes, Ryan Wade, Tony Martin, Zackary Ryan)

BEST GROUP SEX SCENE
“THE IVY LEAGUE” (Erik Rhodes, Ryan Wade, Tony Martin, Zackary Ryan)

BEST ACTOR
ERIK RHODES (“The Ivy League”)

BEST VERSATILE PERFORMER
ERIK RHODES

Ummm, yeah it would be nice to win something, well fuck the first 2 noms, cuz I'm not about to share anything. But whatever, if i win i swear I'm gonna give this industry a piece of my mind. I cant wait.


Quote of the day:
"If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it."~Edman

There we were sitting around a table having eaten one of those stupendous Chinese meals. Amongst the debris of bowls and chopsticks, with everyone who smokes doing so, it's time to be clever and entertain the table. Apropos something or other, I say, 'I'm only so-so at most things. The only thing I really shine at, to which I can claim that I am the greatest in the world, is being modest. I am the Most Modest Man In The World!' It's a standard, recycled nobody gag. Anyway, I get a laugh out of the Laowai but the Chinese don't get it. As an ex-English teacher I should have known that 'modest' is outside most second-language speakers' vocab.

A dictionary, by way of a mobile phone (they can do that now), is consulted and brows are furrowed and a long discussion ensues wherein it's explained to me that this is not such a good meaning in Chinese. One finds this a lot, particularly in Asia. Words such as 'modest', which we all understand as being simple, ain't. They're actually quite complex. 'Love, honour and obey' for instance will have an entirely different complexion in another language and vice versa. And sometimes you get it and sometimes you don't.


Anyway, back at the table, Maya the mad artist, launches into a diatribe about what's wrong with Chinese people and how people who are good at things aren't capable of celebrating like Westerners. Like sports stars who score a goal or somesuch. "We see Western people being natural and celebrating and saying they are good but we can't do that. We have to behave in this 'modest' way." Her vibe is that 'modest' is a thing expected or forced upon you.

I'm off now because she’s touched on a pet subject. "You think that those sportsmen's celebrations are spontaneous, that it just pops into their head then and there?" I explain how I've seen soccer players who form a little tableau and one pretends he's polishing the other's shoes. God spare us. It's a contrived and calculated show-pony wank-fest. Like the Australian cricketers who all have their trademarked celebration. One has his weird ground-punching thing that most closely resembles a man trying to start a lawn-mower. I'm perfectly sure he practises it in a mirror. I'm guessing the lawn-mower thing never occurred to him (nor that he looks like a dickhead). Soccer players are the worst though. Putting your shirt over your head and running around like you're an aeroplane is... is... what the hell is that? Who does this in real life? Apart from drunken arseholes?


"And what, Maya, you want Chinese people to behave like that? Don't believe the hype. What you see on DVD is not a reflection of us. Fuck Jerry Maguire. It's bullshit. It's the product of a machine designed to turn us, and you, into bedazzled LA Galaxy shirt-buying idiots. If you think that whatever 'modesty' means here is oppressive, it could be worse. You could find yourself in a culture where there isn't any and everybody is impressed with themselves for no reason at all - A legion of Bart Simpsons expecting to get high-fived for cracking out a fart. If Chinese sportsmen and women can win and behave like normal people in a modest fashion, like laowai used to a few decades ago, I salute them. I just wish we could rediscover it."

Anyway I headed the conversation into absurdity territory by suggesting that we found a new sports competition and all the best teams of celebrators get together and compete in who has the best celebration. Players would form football-boot-wearing theatrical tableaus and recreate Armstrong on the moon, or Marie Curie discovering radium, or the signing of the treaty of Versailles. I'd win of course because my team would (idea-disappearing-up-its- own-arse style) recreate the meal at which the idea for the competition was first thought up. Brilliant. The crowd would go nuts and then to celebrate? We'd play an actual game of actual football. Ha!


Maya thinks this is great and I should do it for real as an art installation. Um, okay, sure, this and a thousand other idiot ideas. I crack out a fart. High five!

This has happened before and i caved in...


On the cab ride home from JFK, it started. I got my first text from a friend which read "Hey, I got some T, I wanna see you and party". It was disregarded. The next message from another friend came at 10 o'clock the next morning saying basically the same thing. God knows if the texted came at 10 in the morning that this persons binge started at least the night before and he was still going strong the next day looking for more people to fuck and drag down with him. This one was alittle harder to turn down. I stopped and thought to myself, "i don't have anything coming up for a little while, maybe i can just go crazy for a little bit. I mean cuz that's exactly what happens, i go out of control. There was this one time, were i was shooting up so much crystal that i had no control of my arms and legs, they were basically just shaking out of control and i couldn't stop them, so i asked, what at the time i would consider a friends to help hold my arm down and have the another friend shoot me up, just so that i could push my high as far as it would go. Its pretty scary to think, friends would even help me try to kill yourself like i was so indirectly trying to do. But they were pretty high also. So its not there fault. To be honest, they weren't even friends, i couldnt tell you one name. They were Just people to get high with that become friends out of drug use. By the end of that binge i was so gone that i was terrified to even walk in the street because i couldn't tell what cabs were real and what i was just making up in my head. My halluciations were unbelievable and are still embeded on my brain. I always look back on that binge and this other binge that landed me in the hospital as the reason why i shouldn't give in. I was a fucking mess. I don't wanna let myself get to that level ever again.
Anyways, The guy from the second text admitted to me that he has had a crush on me and with all his failed attempts to be with me he figured some hot crystal sex would help get my attention. Well, i refuse to continue getting high and confusing it for love. Its funny because i talked about this same person in an earlier blog saying "this is the type of person i need to be around". Jesus. Same old fucking broken rollercoaster, just won't let me the fuck off.
Anyways, the third, semi-friend contacted me yesterday. This one was a porn star i hadn't talked to in awhile, but while i knew him, my nickname for him was "retard". He said he really needed to talk to me cuz he knew i could help him and wouldn't judge him. Well how fucking wrong he was. He claimed that he had just started using Crystal only acouple months ago and had already been to rehab for it. But since he was off crystal he developed A.D.H.D. and he said it was making him miserable. He said " Erik please, for a better way of life, i need to get crystal, and i need your help".
The first thing i thought was of course a retard would claim crystal would give him a better life. But then i thought of all the people who have posted on this blog and said to him what i think reader would tell me to tell him, i said, "The best help i can give you is, to urge you to go buy a gun and blow your brains out now, before you get any worse" That was the end of the conversation.
I just can't seem to get over that fact that drugs are all around me. Whether in LA or here in NYC. More and more of my once friends are turning into junkies. Not just junkies but junkies with HIV. Its pretty goddamn scary. But i think to myself, how the fuck have i gotten so lucky? My drug stories can put anything you can ever think of to shame and I'm still okay.
At the moment, i have refocused my insanity toward other things and its been working. You know, as awful as my over thinking is at times, it honestly has helped me to. These other guys who get wrapped up in drugs don't have crazy obsessions to help dig themselves out of there holes. So, you know what, Thank you crazy brain. Thank you for being crazy. So far you have kept me alive.

www.joeoppedisano.com

Its time to refocus myself.

Well i don't think i have hit rock bottom, but i can see that is the way i was going and I'm gonna put the brake on now. Coming back from the Toxic world that is LA, i am filled with the over whelming urge to make a change in my life. And not just a small change like no more drugs and meaningless sex... but i am going to start eating healthy and refocus my life into my body. Make it my new obsession. I'm tired of sex being my obsession. I swear LA was great in a bad way of making me realize after all the sex that i had that i was just bored. New big dick, same old positions, no emotions. When your already thinking of the next guy coming over while the one guy is still in the middle of fucking you, there is a problem. I want emotions and passion. Yes i am a total size queen and that will more than likely never change, but i want the next big dick that fucks me to love me, and maybe not love me, but at least be into me enough that its not just the same old thing.

My last night in LA was pretty interesting and opened me up to some new ideas that i think i might now be able to handle. I went out again with "the revenge date". First let me just say that for a 33 year old he was dressed so amazing, like this Little skater boy, it was adorable. Anyways over the course of the night, he took to much XTC and i had to sit there with him and take care of him. I don't know, but it was a change having to take care of someone versus someone take care of me. I liked it. I liked that he could let loose and not care, i liked that he let me take care of him. It was weird, cuz even thou i knew he is a total player, i said maybe this is they type of guy i should be with and not care about being open to liking other guys, Not like an open relationship, but a relationship without jealousies over dumb shit. Everyone looks, even if they say they don't' they do, i know i do, so why should i get pissed when you do. Maybe i just need to look at the fact that I'm not perfect and find someone that isn't perfect also. I' don't know its just a thought. But Shaun , if you read this, thanks so much for the good time. You were breathe of fresh air for me.

By the end of the night i did so much coke, G and painkillers mixed up with Old English 40's that i was puking all over the place. I disappeared from everyone and went back to my hotel and passed out. When i woke up, it was the start of a new beginning. I said i cant do this anymore. I don't wanna be this person. I want a clear head. I want to be happy. Maybe if i make a huge change maybe it will be what i have been looking for. Maybe I'll just get more depressed. I guess we'll have to find out.

I can take much more of LA.


I have been here over a week and i'm just over it. I have had way to much sex and i have done to much drugs to wanna be here anymore. I have had my fill and now its time to go home. I woke up this morning, well i'm not sure if i woke up or just opened my eyes after laying in bed for a couple hours hoping to fall asleep, but i the overwheleming feeling to just pack up and leave like i have over stayed my welcome. I mean tonight is my last night, but i am not in the mood to go out anymore and for once in a longtime am not in the mood to have sex, so with no urge for sex what is the point of going out? just to be around gay men, no thanks! Seriously, my dick is raw and my ass is beat the fuck up, oh, who know after i get a couple drinks in my my feeling might change.
Another reason its time to leave LA is my hotel is a fucking dump and i really dont wanna be in this piece of shit much longer than i have to. It's honestly one step away from being a bathhouse. There is dried cum all over the curtains and there is a sign on the door urging guests to make sure they lock the door before they go to sleep. Why you ask? Because you just might end up with a queer in your bed that you were not expecting. It was pretty unbelieveable that about 20 mins after checking in here, i had a knock at my door from some 18 year old kid asking me if i was looking for company? Of course, i said No.... well no at first. I got something to eat and when i came back the kid was still floating around the hotel so i took him up on his offer and used his mouth as my own personal fuck hole. I just can't help to think anyone that hangs around these seedy places, is looking to be treated like a piece of shit. Cuz i mean that how i treated him and he seemed like he couldnt be happier. Well, i was also in a rush because i had my date and i needed to get ready. So i pumped and dumped his face and quickly got ready cuz my dates was going to be picking me up soon.

I'm not sure if you could call it a date as much as you can call it revenge. Revenge on my current Ex. Jesus, victory tastes so fucking sweet. Oh yeah, people were used and the date was one of the best jobs i have ever done acting. But it played out exactly how i wanted. To be 100 percent serious, going on this revenge date was the only reason i extended my trip. I wish i could go into more detail, cuz the details will only make my thrill that much more intense, but i'm a sucker and i actually like the guy i went on the date with. Not as a Bf kinda way cuz the guy is a total player, but he seemed like good people and i dont want my craziness to effect a possible friendship. You know, i have done my best at getting over my ex and i still do find myself getting upset over things i shouldnt be anymore, but this was one of the things that kept playing in my head over and over after we broke up. I was obcessing over it. But thanks to my utter insanity toward this obcession, it will not be an issue anymore. This was kinda like therepy for a crazy person. Its nice to know that i win. i win. i win. i win.

Well the movie is over...

First off let me just say that i am dissapointed with Falcon and not checking over its models before they get the okay to work. (Without giving names) I had to work with a model i can only refer to as "stink dick" who's pics in the casting book seemed very promising. Well "stink dick" was nothing like what his pics offered. Kinda like a bad hook up off Manhunt (which i'm only using as a refernece and i dont have) he had shark teeth and one of the smallest ugliest and worst smelling dicks i hve ever come into contact with in my whole career in porn. Besides that he had one of those, "i just got to know you and i think we are best friends" personalities that i can barely stand to be around for about 10 mins before i start picturing ways of brutally killing you in my head.
But being a professional that i am, i just went along for the disgusting ride as long as i could before i felt like i was going to throw up. I did my best to give him a phantom blowjob during the oral part of the scene, but when the diretor started talking about rimming his ass i put my fucking foot down. I took the director aside and told him about the stink coming off this dudes cut 4 inch killer and said "Listen, if he has bad hygene in the front, you for goddamn sure know he is clueless about the backside. I will not go anywhere near it." I got my way.
Thankfully, the scene was a three way and there was a great big black dick there to have me occupy the rest of my time in the scene with. "Stink Dick" basiclly played the backround for the rest of the scene while me and the other model enjoyed each other.
But i guess the joke is on me and the other model, cuz "stink dick" still got paid. Maybe thats what i should do next movie. Just show up gross enough to make other models sick enough to throw up and still get paid at the end of the day. Maybe "Stink Dick" found a way to beat the system. HHHHHMMMMMMMMMM, joke is really on me.

Moving on....

I'm now free in LA to go crazy. I really could have really used a drink after working with "Stink Dick" but i had another scene the very next day so i had to be good. Tonight i will be going fucking nuts and each drink i will cheers to complete strangers will be deticated to that ugly penis.
But off the topic of ugly dick, I kinda like being in LA: the state with no soul. This is the land of make believe, where everyone can pretend to be much more important than the really are. And the everyone else.... a bunch of hopefull others with so many stars in there eyes that they are blinded to see that its just not gonna happen the way they imagined in there dreams. This is place is filled with so many miserable and dylusional people that i feel right at home. Except that in New York, i dont waste 15 percent of my life sitting in traffic. Its just nice to know that when i go out tonight, i can be fake as shit and know that anyone i am talking to is being just as fake as me. I dont have to feel bad about anything.
It remind me of this one time, i was here in LA and i hooked up with this guy. Kinda. I brought him back to my hotel and i passed out on him. I guess about an hour later i woke up and he was in the middle of fucking me. I was to trashed to care and just went right back to sleep. When i woke up that morning, i basically thought it was all a dream until, i found a note from him saying what a great time he had and hoped we could do it again sometime. No one cares here in LA, its just a souless creature that is always just looking for the perfect oppertunity. I could never live like these people, but at the same time it will be fun to not care for awhile.

Moving on....

I am starting to think my brother is crazy. Maybe not crazy but fucking brainwashed. He has been preaching to me about positive thinking. He has thrown a couple movies in my face that he is urging me to watch. One called "What the Bleep do we know" and the other being "The Secret". This is totally out of left field for my brother to be saying. But at the same time its something i think i should watch to help with my depression. He says it has totally helped him and i know he isn't just throwning bullshit at me since he is my best friend and brother. I am just very skeptical. Like very who talks to me says... "damn your glass of water is always half empty", in which my reply is "yes half empty and has a crack along the side that is leaking". I also can't help to think an Oprah book is not going to help me.

No need to fear. I am alive and well in the Northern capital of the Middle Kingdom, which is to say Beijing, China. The sky is blue, the food is good and the DVD's are a buck a throw. Around the Worker's Stadium Azure Magpies are building nests. And I have a lot of friends here, so it's good to be back. We go to Hohai and drink Yanjing beer for forty cents a bottle.


The internet has changed greatly since I first came here ten years ago. Currently it seems blogspot, wordpress and wikipedia are blocked (and Rense, curiously). However via an unblocked route I may post to, but not read, this blog. I can read the comments as they come in but not comment myself, ha ha.

And this is censorship, sure. But censorship is a funny thing. When done well censorship should more precisely be described as 'absence'. As ever, the absence of things is less noticeable than the presence of things. We all know what's absent in the Western media. Politically, there's no discussion beyond the agreed upon shadow play. Culturally there's almost nothing past a mad obsession with whatever is new and most worthless. Philosophically (not that the media likes that word) there's little other than an all-pervading, centrifugal individualism.

In attempting to discern the absences here, let's just say - China is intensely 'foreign'. It can overwhelm. Spotting the absences is both difficult and easy, ha ha. For the sake of simplicity, I’ll just focus on culture.


There is no Survivor or Big Brother here. There are no shows which pit individuals against each other in contrived trivial orgies of lying and cheating. There are no people voting each week for whom they hate the most. There are no dramas featuring serial killers who pretend to be normal. I have never seen sex or titillation on the TV here. Subsequently there is no Desperate Housewives or Dirt or anything even close. There are none of those tedious high-school snot-fests. Nor is there anything like Seinfeld here. Perhaps such depictions of worthless people spending their lives striving for, and arguing over nothing, strike the Chinese as idiotic. Who knows? Perhaps most crucially, the adulation of teenagers is completely absent.

But the results are easy to see, provided one can get past the shock of culture. On warmer evenings, people relax outdoors in an agreeable social fashion. Teenagers with unpretentious haircuts and clothes sit with the adults enjoying conversation. Once you twig to the fact that teenagers here do not have an attitude it's actually shocking. They do not argue with their parents. They do not go off to the mall and sulkily 'hang out'. They're far more likely to be whapping a shuttlecock around with their mother. No really! Flyovers and other places free of trees and powerlines are popular for kite-flying. In front of the Worker's Stadium every day I see people ballroom dancing, doing tai chi and other similar variations of the gentler martial arts. Tai chi is a martial art, you know. The main thing is that all of this can be summed up as ‘simple pleasures’. Chinese people broadly are not jaded. It's astounding how refreshing it is.


It's changing, of course. Kids here play computer games too. And every single thing produced by Hollywood (either for the big screen or small) is available here on pirate DVD. But they are viewed as foreign. The effect they have on the culture and the people are minimal. Chinese culture remains dominant. There is no chameleon-like sub-group here re-interpreting their culture for them. I’m entirely certain the government here exerts control to prevent shows such as this. Is this censorship? I expect so. But gee it's nice to see a culture that isn't driven by a perverse combination of angst and trivial self-obsession, that instead prizes family and harmony, and lacks snotty teenagers.

So i'm in LA filming.

I would have to say that I am having a great time. For most my porn career i have been tied down in relationships and being on set with a boyfriend at home was not always easy. This is the first time since i started porn that i have not had to worry about making phone calls and giving my bf the play by play of my daily schedule. It the first time that i can do whatever i want and not have to worry or feel bad about it. From hooking up with models to just hanging and getting some food with them, i can just relax and enjoy myself and its been great. The models that i been hanging out with not only have they been abnormally good looking but really fun guys that i would enjoy being around if we weren't here working. The funny thing is that so far the majority of them have been straight. (well kinda) I have always, always had, i'm not sure if you can call it a talent, but i have always been able to draw that straight guy to me and make him second guess his whole "just gay for pay" lifestyle. I'm not normally that type. I hate the whole straight boy, confused sexuality thing and it not something i look for like other fags i know.lol. ( love you james). But fuck it, if they are gonna throw me a bone, i'm gonna take it. After the movie is over, as nice as you are, you can go back to leading your confused life, its no skin off my back. Hey, but if i help show you that not all fags are straight up queens and can be butch and proud of taking it in the ass, well then kudos for me.
Anyways, this movie is 1/2 done and i still have 2 more scenes to do. So all these guys will be heading out tonight and then new ones will be coming in. Like i said in my last blog, i'm starting to think, this trip is gonna be to much sex. I also decided to stay in la a couple extra days to get some "me time", that normally consist of alot of sex also. I do have one date set up while i am out here and all i can say about that is.... oh man is it ever gonna be good in so many ways. I might, maybe, slightly possibley give details about it later, i just have to see how it plays out. I dont wanna jinx it just yet.

I would have to say that the meds i been taking are kinda working, at least since i got them and been out here, i havent been depressed at all. I haven't started drinking yet... so i guess we'll have to see how that goes....