Don't be ashamed

I basically made it through this weekend alright.


So Friday came around and as much as i really wanted to go nuts, i choose to hold it in. I even went to a bunch of shitty New York bars, not even having one drink. I did however pop a couple painkillers, but then again that is far from the amount of shit i was doing the previous weekend. Baby steps. I even had temptation thrown in my face again and i was good about it. It was really weird. There was this really cracked out dude at this bar that kept buying me drinks which i kept turning around a giving to my friends since i wasn't drinking. The cracked out dude got pissed when he found out what i was doing and walked away from me pissed off. I thought "oh well". About 10 mins later he comes back to me a put a gram of crystal in my hand and leaves the bar. He was like fucking Satan. Tempt me with drink all night and then when he sees that I'm not biting he drops crystal on me and says "good luck, bitch" and walks away.
I kept it, or at least i thought i did. When i got home later that night and cleaned out my pockets. It was gone. Better off, cuz its the late nights when I'm home alone that i think i should be with my bf cuddling in bed that i lose all concept of whats good for me.
I couldn't sleep that night. It honestly felt like i was having a flashback of high school, when i had a bad coke problem and i would say up nights watching the sun slowly creep up outside and get pissed knowing that i still having slept and knowing that i was going to have to get up soon for school. Except this time, as i watched the sun come out, i just popped more sleeping pills to make that shit, fucking disappear. I honestly even got confused thinking maybe i did do drugs and i already forgot. Maybe it was that guy i was hooking up with that i knew was doing dumps of K in the bathroom that gave me shit. Maybe it was the fact that because of my new diet the redbull was effecting me differently. I guess i will never know. I woke up at 4pm the next day.
I was pretty upset the next day. More or less because i been doing so fucking good with my whole body obsession that i was pissed i had already missed 4 meals since it was 4pm. I also felt hungover as shit. I'm gonna chalk that one up to the sleeping pills.

moving on.

I would have to say that I'm pretty embarrassed and i didn't wanna admit this but i have been texting my current ex. I miss him. I feel like I'm in a position where I'm ready to give up porn and i think that since that was one of the big problems in our relationship that if i wasn't doing it anymore maybe we could go back to the way things were when we didn't fight. Maybe I'm just being dumb. I think because of this blog that he knows that I'm pretty messed up, even more than i let on when we were going out. I think he sees that now and really wants no part of me. Which i understand. (beside the fact that i feel like Michael Musto, who cant keep his fucking mouth shut about anything). What is that whole bullshit, "if you let something go and if it comes back to you, it was meant to be". I guess it wasn't meant to be as much at one point we told each other it was. He texted me that i should listen to a song by Ashanti called "The Way That I Love You" that it was the perfect song for our situation. My song back to him which i never had the balls to text him back would be by City and Colour called "As much as i ever could". The part that makes me cry like a bitch is at the end of the song... "No i am not where i belong, so shine a light and guide me back home".


moving on.



The Grabby Porn Awards are coming up and the Nominations are out.

BEST RIMMING SCENE
“THE IVY LEAGUE” (Erik Rhodes, Ryan Wade, Tony Martin, Zackary Ryan)

BEST GROUP SEX SCENE
“THE IVY LEAGUE” (Erik Rhodes, Ryan Wade, Tony Martin, Zackary Ryan)

BEST ACTOR
ERIK RHODES (“The Ivy League”)

BEST VERSATILE PERFORMER
ERIK RHODES

Ummm, yeah it would be nice to win something, well fuck the first 2 noms, cuz I'm not about to share anything. But whatever, if i win i swear I'm gonna give this industry a piece of my mind. I cant wait.


Quote of the day:
"If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it."~Edman