I got my mind made up, I'm walking away.

I feel fucking crazy again.


All that keeps going thru my head is one of this blogs readers definition of insanity: repeating the same mistakes thinking there will be a different outcome.
Well my mistake is trying to rekindle a toxic relationship with my ex.
You know it was kinda nice the first week or so but as of this past weekend we just fast forwarded back at the low point in our failed relationship. Now its time to cut ties with him for good.
I let the first couple mini-arguments roll of my back because i understand he would more than likely have alot of resentment toward me after our break up because my not so discreet blogging. It seemed like each morning after a fight we both would try to reconnect and make things work. Later that night i would find myself back at his apartment like nothing happened. We would forget about anything that happened during our time alone and we would try to be the people we were before thing headed downhill. Well at least i would.
I realize now, that any fight would occur as soon as i opened my mouth. If i just sat there and looked pretty and played with the dogs, everything was fine. But as soon as i had something to say or had an opinion on any topic, Danny's head would spin like the fucking exorcist and then he would threaten to call the cops if i didn't leave. I would go home and tell myself, "this is not worth it, he is not worth it". Then morning would come and i would get a text like nothing happened and like the sucker i am, i would fall back in, forgetting the fact that i honestly did believe he wasn't worth it for the hopes of maybe not being single, maybe reigniting that spark we had in the beginning or maybe just because i liked hanging out with the dogs. I don't know, maybe i just wasn't ready to let go. Well.... I am now.

Last night was it. I with hesitation went over his place again last night even with the threat of being escorted out by the cops the night before. I acted like nothing happened. I went over but i kept my distance. He tried to get all cute with me and I told him he was being a dick to me, he crawled over and cuddled with me, he said " am i being a dick now" and i said "no, but just wait. i don't think you can help it when you turn into the girl from the exorcist" Was i ever right.
We began to have a conversation which i wont go into detail about just to save Danny face. Danny tried to not listen to anything i said and began to yell at me to shut up without even hearing me. After years and years of studying and researching this topic apparently my advice was still shit to him and i wasn't worth listening to. It was insulting. It was frustrating and after weeks of fighting without defending myself and running away like a bitch i started to get loud. This was my breaking point. I was tired of playing bitch to make this kid happy. I was tired of kissing his ass as he played me like a fool. He asked me to leave again or he was calling the cops. I left right away and plan on never returning.

Ultimately, this was for the better. The more he argued with me the more i said to myself that "this kid is not worth it". I found myself not attracted to him at all and then to keep threatening me with the cops, come on, that is not love at all. Over our little time back with each other he served up that threat 3 times. Power trip? I think so. It's clearly a trailer trash move , which is exactly how i see him now. I'm sure that's how he See's himself or should. Dress yourself up in all the fancy designer cloths you can afford, but you can't hide what your truly are. I see that now. I'm sorry it took so long.

I am happy to say that this chapter in my life is finally over. This time i'm gonna be okay. There is no emotions left, there is nothing holding me back. I don't feel like a failure giving up, cause i tried. In the words of Trent Reznor "I tried, I gave up, Throw It away". Our time together was closure. Its exactly what i needed to move forward in my life.