I save Israel's bacon

My heart bleeds for Israel. And never more so than now. Israel currently faces a dilemma unlike any it has faced before. Previously Israel's enemies adopted various battlefield strategies, only to see them all fail. This is because they picked the wrong battlefields. Only one battlefield counted, and that was that of public perception.

Israel, by way of the Jewish bloc-media, always held that theatre. They set the terrain, made all the rules, and decided all the outcomes. Thus Israelis were ever the blameless victims whose evil enemies deserved whatever spectacular viciousness the Israelis inflicted upon them. The US congress would applaud and send yet more money in honour of Israel's plucky selfless gallantry.

But lately an extraordinary thing has taken place. The Israelis face a battlefield not of their own contrivance. They don't own the theatre anymore. A group called Free Gaza has seized the initiative. They will sail their boat 'The Free Gaza' into Gazan waters and deliver relief supplies to the Palestinians. The Israelis are faced with a situation that will attract world attention and in which they cannot cast themselves as victims. Regardless of what they do they will lose. Do they stop the boat, board it and arrest everyone? Do they let it sail on? It's the cleverest thing since Octavian sent Mrs Antony to visit Mr Antony at Cleopatra's Palace. The Israelis are, like Antony was, shit up a creek.

Of course this goes against God. It certainly goes against his chosen people. And God pity any people who have the temerity to deny Jewish people the right to control how others view them. Death is the least they deserve. With this in mind, and in a spirit of wishing to do my humble best for the greatness of the Jewish nation and people, I have come up with the following cunning plan. By my best count it is a three-fer and, by way of money, everyone should make out like bandits. Israel will sink the Free Gaza and blame it on Iran.

Here's the plan -

1 - Find an old F-14 Tomcat and transport it to a secure Israeli air-force base. Ideally it'll be in going condition. Paint it up in Iranian Air Force colours. This will be packed with explosives and flown into an Israeli coastal town after the attack. Make sure you have cameras on hand. This should provide spectacular footage.

2- Tell the Americans to provide two Stealth fighters to fly 'stealth' into Iran and 'non-stealth' out of it, crossing Iraq to coincide with the attack. They don't go anywhere near the ship and actually land in Israel. Find out what kind of payload a Stealth can carry. Perhaps you can use them to fly some drugs in? I'm just trying to maximise the profit aspect of each part of this exercise. Ideally each compartment will pay for itself. And when the US Air Force comes for free, so much the better.

3 - To ensure the stand-down of the US military, announce the first annual 'Israel Congratulates America' holiday and gala performance to fall on the day before the Free Gaza is to be sunk. This year's honorees are to be the brave US military personnel who've done so much to heroically bring freedom to the people of the Middle East. The US can fly them in from Iraq and any other places where they might be able to put a stopper in the plan. Organise a gala performance with Barbra Streisand and a host of A-listers. This will provide brilliant media footage of thousands of ecstatic US military personnel in full-dress rig waving Israeli flags. All military personnel are to be provided with a 'personal assistant' for the duration of their stay. I'm thinking the individual officers can fill out a preference questionaire beforehand asking about whether they prefer a male or female PA. The PA's will be responsible for the date-rape drugging of their charges who will then be photographed in bed with children. They'll each wake up to the news of the Iranian attack and a quicktime of their own personal child blowjob. Ever the loyal servants of Israel, they.

5 - Before the bombing, jam all the Free Gaza's radio frequencies. The Israeli Air Force now bombs the Free Gaza. The first target should be its communications ability. Then napalm the decks. Have helicopter gunships machine-gun the lifeboats and any survivors. Finally, fire a missile that will definitely sink it. Just in case it doesn't sink keep John McCain on hand to handle the cover up. His father did a cracking job last time round in '67.

6 - Launch an hysterical media campaign about Iran's shock sinking of the Free Gaza. The line will be - Iranian militants violently opposed to the Free Gaza's spirit of non-violent resistance, and in support of their terrorist Hezbolla allies, have sunk the Free Gaza killing all on board. One Iranian plane will be nominally shot down at sea by the Israeli Air Force, heroically doing the job that the Americans seemed incapable of doing. The pilot of the other F-14 will take the role of suicide bomber with his plane crashed by remote-control into an innocent Israeli town killing six million people (just joking. Would 600 people be about right? I'll go with your call on this.)

7 - Casus Belli Mission Accomplished! There's nothing for it now but to have Israeli kids write their cute messages of hate on the nosecones of the Iran-bound nukes.

And there you have it! A public relations disaster turned into a public relations victory. The battlefield initiative retaken. Those who thought they could take on the Jewish state in the theatre of public perception will have been taught a lesson. And anyone out there thinking they might do likewise, will know the price to be paid. And all it took was ambition to the point of hubris, a preparedness to kill innocents and sacrifice one's own people, a mastery of blackmail and it's subsequent control of a US military golem, a millenia-long superior ability to play the victim, and finally, the utter certainty that God's chosen people can do no wrong.