Breathe Me

New Beginnings

My boyfriend and another blog had suggested that i change the name of my blog so after some thought, i felt like it was the right thing to do as well. I cannot honestly say i feel like I'm slipping away anymore. Granted i did at the beginning of this blog, i was watching my relationship slip away, my sobriety, my mind. Now, as much as everything is still not perfect in my life, i feel like I'm not giving up so easy, instead of letting my life slip through my hands, I'm taking it all for what its worth.
I'm even shocking myself right now, because as of lately i have had so many people trying to tear me down and typically i would just give up and let them, but unlike me, i have become obsessed with proving people wrong its force me to feel this uncommon sense of pride. I guess to break it down in simpler terms, I'm not thinking about killing myself right now , but more like i rather kill the ones that fuck with me and my relationship and stand in my way of finding happiness or my love of a lifetime.

I have been pretty good so far in letting all the rumours and bullshit slide off my back but just like that kid that gets abused in the hallways of high school, in this day and age it takes only so long before he brings a gun to school, writes some names on a couple bullets and starts emptying kids heads all over the walls. Granted I'm not gonna start killing people, even though i have daydreamed about in more than once when working out at my gym, but all I'm saying, is if you get your teeth knocked out maybe you'll second guess the next time you start running your mouth about someone HIV status. I'm mean, do i look like a push over? Do i look like someone that will run away from a fight?
anyways,
You know, i have never minded the name calling as far as being called a whore or slut, that's just part of the package deal when you sign up to be a porn star. But i think its fucking real low of homo's to use HIV as their own personal self esteem boost. The whole, "I'm obviously jealous of you, so i say you have HIV to make me seem more appealing" bullshit. Its sick. Plus, come on this is NYC, last i heard 1 out of 3 Chelsea queers have HIV, so all your joking and name calling is probely hitting close to home without you even knowing. So be that jerk. Plus seriously Karma is a bitch.

I guess where this is all going is basically saying I'm fed up with everyone trying to destroy my relationship, for whatever reason, weather you hate me, or your in love with what is now mine, just give it a rest.
I keep watching the last 6 mins of the series finale to the HBO show "Six Feet Under" and each time i watch it i start crying and sobbing like a girl. Its not because it shows everyone die, but its because right before each person dies they see what i would call their love of a lifetime and i think to myself how amazing that must feel. The extreme love to have for a person that the happiness of having them in your life is the most important thing that goes threw your head right before you die. I wanna know what the feel like, i wanna find that person. I want my love of a lifetime. I guess that's why i keep writing about people trying to destroy my relationship, cause who would want to destroy that for someone? I would never want to do that to someone else, but what keeps driving people to do it to me? I don't understand it. But i'm sure as shit will fight for it.