I'm not at the end...

I woke up out of my sleep last night with a memory in my head about my past... one of the last nights i was out in the city, single before my current relationship. I could remember walking around this club thinking to myself..."I am officially one of those creepy guys". I wasn't there to dance and enjoy the music, i wasn't there to drink and be with friends. I was just there to not feel so dead. Stalking around this place hopefully to have some sort of human contact, probably with someone i wasn't worthy of speaking with in the first place, because god knows when I'm not selling my bullshit Erik Rhodes persona i can be very awkward and withdrawn...
anyways... i just woke up with that feeling of being utterly pathetic...like i'm going nowhere.
Maybe its partially due to the fact that I'm obsessed with Farmville now and i seem to get such great joy in waiting for my online farm to grow. I just hit level 12 this morning and was able to buy a tractor. The smile on my face couldn't get much bigger... all for about a second. I quickly Im'ed my brother to express my happiness when he brought me back down to reality saying... "please James, tell me your kidding..." I got up, walked away from my computer and thought about it for a second and realized... i refuse to allow this to be happiness for me.
As i stuff my face with S'mores Cereal (which was my big excitement yesterday when i found them in Walmart) and I finished tending my farm... I am promising myself a change. I mean i think I've come a long way from the beginning of this blog till now and i feel like I'm heading in the right direction but i just need to push myself harder and not fall into this pathetic state of content. Because seriously isn't sitting in front the computer playing Farmville a form of being dead?