sexiest woman room

A had another nightmare...


Not sure if you can call it a nightmare, more like an imagine that kept play through my head that i just didn't wanna see anymore. I was My ex, sitting on our couch, staring at me with the with this puppy dog face he would do that would melt my heart. The kinda face that would win you over regardless of the situation. The same face that began to fade away as we got more and more used to each other. Either way it was a face to let me know everything was alright. I woke up upset and unable to go back to sleep because i don't have that face anymore. Its not like i wanna get back with him, but I'm restless for that comfort again.
I think the reason for this dream came from all the references i made about my ex in a conversation i had with my brother about why he should not forgive his Gf and leave that miserable relationship behind. My brother is having second thoughts about leaving his Fiance. I think mostly because he is not ready to make a change. He can't picture himself without her and regardless of how possessive and controlling she was to him, staying with her is better than being alone. I still have those feelings myself and i do anything i can to not be alone. Shit, i fucking go to the movies all the time by myself, just so that i can have people around me. Its still pretty lonely but at least I'm not alone. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but it has been working. That and non stop compulsive shopping.
Anyways, i had mentioned my brother and I are the same person, well this just proves it. I was the same way. But he's gonna have to figure out on his own, that getting back together might feel good cuz he wont be alone but its not gonna fix the overall problem. I can only provide support at this point.

moving on...

I head over to LA this weekend to film what will hopefully be one of my last movies in the porn industry. I'm excited to get away from New York for awhile, but hate the fact that my whole time will be centered around making this movie. Since i will be the main star of the movie i will be filming 3 scenes and then directing the sex of 4th scene. Crazy. For once i think it will be to much sex for me. I totally predict me throwing acouple "porn star diva fits". As i call them after watching my best porn star buddy Matthew Rush throw a few over the course of our relationship with falcon. I love him, but when he gets pissed, oh boy does the diva ever come out. LOVE YA matty!


My nerves have been getting the best of me again and i have to head back to see a doctor today. I'm sure the visit will end with a couple scripts to help validate my sorrow. So that makes me happy for now at least.


Quote for this blog:

"So say goodbye to love, and hold your head up high.
There is no need to rush because we are all just waiting, waiting to die." ~Dallas Green

So my Twin Brother calls me this morning at 7 in the morning to tell me some fucked up news. I'm not gonna go into details because thats his life and i dont wanna make his life public, but he is looking to get out of his current situation because it was honestly a mirror image of the situation i was in with my ex.
Anyways, i think the best thing for him is to move in with me. He currently is car-less living on long island and anyone that knows the area, long island without a car doesnt work. Plus it will be great for me since i will have my best friend back with me at all times. After 26 years we are still the same person and laugh over all the same stupid shit. Granted he is straight, but he has never treated me any differently since i came out to him back when i did. I will do anything for him.
I'm sure he is gonna end up being depressed, cuz i can feel how much he is hurting. I wasnt able to go back to sleep after he called me this morning because i felt like it was me going thru my break up all over again.
All i said i ever need in this world is him and i'm sure if he moves out here we can forget all about the fucked up people we seem to let take over our lives. I will support him and he will support me. At least we both can always go home know that we have someone there that isnt gonna try and hurt us judge us or try and control us.

Jon, i love you and we'll get thru this together!

Last night was a mess, today i feel like a mess....

I once again am trying my best to suffocate all my misery in doing drugs.

Last night i went out with the intentions of having a good time. Quicker than i could walk to the back of the club, the night was a distater and i am the only one to blame. Kinda.
I hate drinking now so i have found relief of my social anxiety by doing alot of GHB. To make a long story short, by the time i got to the bar i was already sinking, and by the time i made it thru the club i was full on "G'ing Out". It was so bad that as i sat in the back of the club the trainwreck which i became drew a crowd of friends, ex's and strangers all looking to "help me". As i sat there with my head on the table, eyes rolling around with no control and drooling on myself, i even had complete strangers coming up to me saying "come with me, my place is right around the corner from here". No shocker there i guess. But as i got worse, the crowd of friend and ex's seemed like they were all fighting over me. It honestly seemed like there was no real concern about my well being as there was the thrill of having the oppertunity to have a wrecked porn star in their apartment and at their mercy. I think the ex's were having a "who has the bigger dick" fight and the friends were looking for something to prove in front of the crowd, like "look at me, i'm saving him". In reality they should have just let me bottom the fuck out. Nothing like being in that situation and have no one care, it kinda lets you rethink your steps. Well at the same time, i'm not sure if they cared as much as they just saw an oppertunity. Anyways, i just got more sick as the crowd seemed to fight each other and somehow stumbled out the club and threw up like any good ol' drunk. Obviously, playing housewife so long i dont know my pussy ass tolerance. My friend finally got me in a cab and got me home since i totally forgot where i lived.... I'll leave out some of the shady shit that happened later that night but trust me it has me rethinking alot of things. It has only fed my insecuritys and hatred for gay men. I woke up this morning asking myself, "why would someone do that to me...". The reason, is cuz all am to these people, friends and ex's is an object. Nothing more.

I woke up more depressed then ever and not because of the G. That was my fault. It was everything else. Then on top of that it was my first time see my most current ex since i moved out. I could even make eye contact. I just walked by like i didnt see him as much as he knew i did. I just wanted to break down as i walked away, cuz all i can think is "look what the fuck i'm becoming, look at the mess i'm turning into", as much as things didnt work bewteen us, at least i was grounded. Now, i'm just floating away and i cant even stop myself. I have no reason to. I just dont care anymore.

"Life is good, Life is fucking great"... i think that was the quote... well not for me.

Well i just finished a long day....



Today, i had 2 photoshoots back to back. The first was for woman's couture by the designer Carmen Marc Valvo and the next was for Loehmanns spring cataloge. We started shooting this morning at 9 and ended at about 815 tonight. As pussy as it sounds i had had a tooth ache for about 3 days now and last night it was so bad i couldnt sleep. I almost canceled both shoots today. That on top of my work out routine and not drinking water for the last couple days so that i good for the shoots, i feel like death. The constant feeling like someone is drilling through my head is enough to wanna dig thru my stash of drugs to make the pain go away.
But first the shoots....the first for C.M.V. i just basically was the naked slave of some high end Brazilian model. She was basically a bitch to me most of the shoot. At one point she snapped at me cuz i was positioned kinda holding her ass/love handle. I should have remembered for all the girls i dated that this is like a girls weak point and main focus of anorexiea. I guess for her it was no different.
My second shoot was for Loehmanns. This has been my third time shooting for them and yet i think i have actually stepped foot into an actual Loehmanns store less times. Not that i dont like loehmanns, cuz let me tell you, some of the stuff i was dressed in i did feel like stealing. But as a kid my mom traumatized me and my siblings with extended tripps to TJ Maxx and Loehmanns kinda has that same feel except its more high end. Most my outfits for this shoot, looked like i was ready for the Hamptons. Totally not me. But then i think that's kinda the point. Make you look at the add more then once and say.... "is that Erik Rhodes? What the fuck?"

By the end of the day the pain in my face is unbearable. I go to Mcdonalds like a fat shit since i havent eatten all day and wash it down with Poweraid and a couple doses of G. Thankfully the painsubsides alittle and i have a friend come over so that i and get some naked cuddling in. G makes me into a horny fuck and regardless of the pain, it feels alot better when i can feel a big dick behind me as i watch the opening episode of Americas Next top Model. Well i tried to watch it. I passed out, i think. Maybe i got fucked? Either way, its off to the the dentist today, thank god for dental insurance. Cuz this is gonna be bad.

Its good to be home! Is it really?

So i'm back in NYC and this was one of the first time in a long time, that i wanted to stay away. I'm not exactly sure i wanted to stay in the homeless shelter that make up San Fran but i'm posative i didnt want to come back here. Anyways, thank god for my friend Joe getting me work to keep myself focused at the gym instead of just letting myself slip away more than i let myself over this past weekend. I would have to say there was a couple times over this weekend that i just felt like giving up on everything, but these jobs will be somewhat motivating. Motivating enough to keep my mind else where. Then with filming a new movie in early March hopefully i will stay in that motivated state of mind.
Its funny because someone had reffered to me as the Britney Spears of gay porn and i just dont think that comparison hold any weight. I know i have tons of problems and issues and i can admit to that. She on the other hand is cluless. Like i said, if i just have the right motivation, i can snap myself out of anything, at least for alittle while.
"Idle Hands" is my problem. Letting my self sit here and wish for death just doesn't solve anything. As dumb as hanging out with ex's before my current ex sounds its been a huge relief. Someone i can lay with and put my head on there chest and feel comfortable with even if its just as friends now. i need. I need the support and comfort from a man regardless of who it is. Not to downplay their iportantance to me but they are just a band-aid until i can find that new person to make me feel comfortable. It doesn't seem like it gonna happen anytime soon as much as i wished it would. So occupying my time with friend, ex's and tricks will have to do. It was weird this morning, after i left this tricks place, i kinda had this feeling of relief, like maybe i was gonna be okay with being single. I'm not sure, it was kinda early and i did get fucked pretty stupid, so maybe it was just the endophins fucking with me. Either way... i'm focused right now, semi-happy and not wishing for death....but if i do get hit by a cab on my way to the gym... well, Thanks god.

"More"

At first I wanted
you to fuck me

Then i became greedy
I wanted you to
love me

So I asked for more.


~ Tracey Emin

I lost... again.


Apprently each year i do porn i'm just good enough to be nominnated but not great enough to win myself an award. O and 9 now. I'm not surprised. I did alot better holding in my extreme fustration in losing this year, so i do give myself some credit. Yes i am a sore loser, but i just whored it up and drank away the feelings. Should have gone as far as getting blowjob right there in the front row during the ceremony? Maybe not, but when someone as hot as the guy going it, is doing it, well... i just dont have that type of control.
Apart from losing my awards, i did have a pretty amazing night. I'm not sure how i determine what makes an amazing night? But i guess i'm equating my night the amount of gorgeous guys i got to hook up with. I know that i was basically doing it to make myself feel better, but fuck it. it was totally worth it and justified in my eyes. When else do i get to play around with the guys from other studios?
Which leads me to "The Pretty Russian". I woke up this morning, cuddling with one of the cutest guys i have come across in a long time. I stared at him while he slept. There was something about the hair on his stomach that made me think, "Jesus, this is why i love being gay, this is why i love men, this makes me happy". I laid my head on chest and went back to bed with a smile on my face dispite my vicious hangover.

I'm just happy this weekend is over. It was just to much socializing for my taste. To many "are you alright's" to make anyone crazy. I'm sitting in my hotel room now, alone and i'm trying my best to not get back into the depression that i did so well avoiding this whole weekend. I also have had way to much sex to get my head off things by spending my time with another trick. This honestly sucks, and i dont know what else to do with myself. Maybe i'll go on another pathetic solo mission to the movies.... anything to not have to dwell in my thoughts. Anything to distract myself from overthinking.

One last thing...
This blog is not a fake or a pr stunt. Shit, i dont think any studio would ever say.... "yes Erik, please blog about how miserable you are. Thats a great way to get attention". I'm sure my company, bites its nails everytime i write a new blog, i'm sure they are afraid what i'm gonna say next. All i can say is sorry. I will not censor myself to please anyone. Once i do that, then this blog will not be mine anymore.