The Goose and the Gander and True Romance

I have this habit of mentally rewriting what I see and hear in the media. And when the news is on, I'm unbearable. Some Western leader will stick his worthless bonce up and spout his shit, but you probably won't hear it because I'll be talking over the top of them putting words in their mouth. The difference between my answer and theirs is that mine will be a lot closer to the truth, ha ha. Sure enough, I can be hell to watch the news with. Whilst I'm a sensitive fellow (no really!) I find it hard to feel bad when someone gets huffy about not being able to hear a pack of lies. I don't know if Aangirfan is hell to watch the news with, but the school-girl collective certainly gets the gag. Onya Aangirfan!

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And then there's Hollywood. But movies and news, it's all the same thing. A prime function of this bloc-media is to tell us who to hate - Arabs, Germans, and Russians mostly. Since the media is completely Jewish, it's no surprise at all that we should hate whomever the Jews hate. And for those who've read the Talmud, it would be hard to disagree with the proposition that the Jews nurse a variety of hatred for everyone who is not them.

But down to today's Hollywood microcosm. Evidently in Hollywood, organised crime is Italian, or Chinese, or Japanese - anyone except Jews. And yeah, yeah, there's a tiny handful of exceptions like Once Upon A Time In America and Bugsy. But even amongst these rare exceptions we find individuals who (unlike the endless parade of Italians-Chinese-Japanese who must always expound on their Italian- Chinese- Japaneseness) seem barely to be Jewish. It seems that there are no Jewish traits, there is no Jewish 'character', and to be Jewish consists of nothing beyond being a deserving plucky underdog or a 'visionary', or both. Either way, a hagiography is the least they deserve.


Anyway, who's seen True Romance with Christian Slater and Patricia Arquette? This was directed by Tony Scott with a script from Quentin Tarantino. Neither of them are Jewish, but the Weinsteins who paid for it all are. Lately my head has been thrumming with the memorable scene in which Slater's dad, Dennis Hopper, is about to be tortured by the Sicilian mob boss, Christopher Walken, who wants to find Slater so that he can recover the money Slater stole. To save his son and spare himself torture, Hopper decides to insult them in the absurd, yet happily realised hope that they'll just kill him.

We as the audience are meant to think that it's right that Sicilians be racially slurred because they're villains. But this is simple-minded. They're villains because the fellow who wishes to slur them, declared them so. Explaining and excusing individual scenes by the totality of the plot is a mistake. The plot, the dialogue, all of it, the whole thing, is a contrivance to arrive us at the bigger message of the-world-is-thus, and its whom-we-must-hate. Everything is subservient to this.

Fine. In the spirit of 'If that's fair enough, so is this', let's re-write the original and see if these minor variations don't recast everything we understand. And wonder also if this only-ever-so-slightly altered script would ever have gotten made. Otherwise I declare this to be 'walking in another man's shoes' albeit turned on its head. The shoes here have been used to deliver a kicking and now I borrow them to kick in the opposite direction and see how the kicker likes it.


Walken: Jews are great liars. The best in the world. I'm Jewish. My father was the world heavy-weight champion of Jewish liars. From growing up with him I learned the pantomime. There are seventeen different things a guy can do when he lies to give himself away. A guys got seventeen pantomimes. A woman's got twenty, but a guy's got seventeen... but, if you know them, like you know your own face, they beat lie detectors all to hell. Now, what we got here is a little game of show and tell. You don't wanna show me nothin', but you're tellin me everything. I know you know where they are, so tell me before I do some damage you won't walk away from.

Hopper: You're Ashkenazi Jewish, huh?

Walken: I'm Jewish.

Hopper: But you're Ashkenazi Jewish.

Walken: Yeah, Ashkenazi.

Hopper: Ya know, I read a lot. Especially about things... about history. I find that shit fascinating. Here's a fact I don't know whether you know or not. Ashkenazi Jews ain't from Israel. They ain't God's chosen people. They ain't real Jews.

Walken: Come again?

Hopper: It's a fact. Yeah. You see, uh, Ashkenazis have, uh, Asian blood pumpin' through their hearts. Or regular white blood, take your pick. Hey, no, if eh, if eh, if you don't believe me, uh, you can look it up. Hundreds and hundreds of years ago, uh, you see, uh, these Kazakhs invaded the Caucasus and settled there. And the Kazakhs are Asians, and Caucasians are white, and neither of them were from Israel.

Walken: Yes...


Hopper: So you see, way back then, uh, Ashkenazi were like, uh, Hun from Asia who moved into the white neighbourhood. And, and your great-great-great-great grandmother fucked a Caucasian cracker and that's why you're as white as I am. But, uh, well, then these Asian crackers converted to Judaism and just called themselves children of Israel, and ah, chosen by God. They just declared it themselves! That's why that chosen-by-God bitch Zippy Livni has blonde hair and blue eyes, yeah. You know, it's absolutely amazing to me to think that in this day and age, hundreds of years later, that, uh, that Ashkenazis imagine they have some connection to the bible, or the torah, or the 'promised land', or any of that shit. Now this...
[Walken busts out laughing]

Hopper: No, I'm, no, I'm quoting... your history. It's written. It's a fact, it's written.

Walken: [Laughing] I love this guy.

Hopper: Your ancestors are slopes and crackers. Uh-huh.
[Starts laughing, too]

Hopper: Hey. Yeah. And, and you ain't chosen, or special, or nothin', ho, ho, yeah, you ain't even Semitic. You're just a jumped-up, self-impressed, racist git who thinks he's special... now, if that's a fact, tell me, am I lying? 'Cause you, you're bullshit.
[All laugh]

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There. No one will take offence at that will they? No one took offence at the original when it was about Sicilians. In fact we all thought it was very clever. And if anyone wants to get huffy, feel free to pile in to the comments and hoist yourself on your own petard. I dare ya.